February 28, 2007

  • it's snowing.

    as i was in the employee lounge peeling my orange, a coworker.. "m".. one of the very few people at work i regularly interact with.. jolts in..

    "i need your input"

    "what's up?"

    "would you forgive an ex friend simply because you knew they were dying?"

    my first thought.. of course. i mean.. i don't really care how severe the wrong doing was.. the person is dying and they want to make amends with you.. no doubt that i would at least let it go for that person's sake. i've always been a firm believer that people make mistakes.. and though it may be a bigger fuck up than others.. so what.. we live and we learn. no point in prolonging a grudge or continuing any sort of animosity..

    anyway..

    "she was my best friend.. i confided in her about everything.. including my suspicions that shane (m's husband) was cheating on me.."

    my initial assumption was that her best friend and the hubby did the dirty and what not.. (it was with another woman, not her)..

    "she knew about his infidelity the whole time and concealed it from me.." m was almost in tears at this point..

    "let it go.. think about the position she was in. as a friend to you and shane.. do you honestly think she wanted to be the one who broke/shattered your marriage?" i know this may sound ignorant of me to say.. but c'mon. number one.. the woman is now dying. number two.. can you really blame her for keeping her mouth shut?

    the dying friend has made numerous attempts to contact m.. but according to m, she feels way too betrayed to talk to her again.

    shrugs. if you were in m's shoes, what would you do?

Comments (19)

  • are you sure it was the friend who did the dirty with the husband?

    i say at least hear her out. but if she still feels sour about it, then that's her right.

  • the last time i checked, ppl are suppose equate snow with giddiness!

  • kick myself in my ass. cause apparently, I'm a moron.

  • if i saw that it was a good marriage, then no, i wouldnt tell the friend

  • Forgive her. She's fucking dying, man. It'll probably make M feel better to forgive as well.

  • first i check if she ACTUALLY dying or just faking it to get a forgiveness.

    if its true, i'd forgive her so that she can die with less guilt even though i'd probably still hate her.

  • I'd take heed from one of my favorite movies, Magnolia (w/Tom Cruise). If you've seen it, you'll know what I mean. If you haven't, tell M to watch it!

  • i'd forgive her but truth is, friendship would never be the same, and i wouldnt be able to trust anywhere near the level i did before

  • hmmm I wouldn't know what to do...

  • i don't think what her bestfriend did was so fucked up that it warranted a breakup of a friendship between "bestfriends."  your coworker completely overreacted.  with that said, she should've forgiven her a long time ago.

    however, if someone i knew did something to me to cause me to want to break off the entire friendship altogether, i would never forgive them... even if it was their dying wish.

    -ray leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  • I think M's anger is misdirected. Being cheated on is no fun, but the wrong has been done by the one who cheated, not the one who wasn't a tattle-tale. I think you gave her sound advice. I guess in M's case, when you've been hurt like that, you lash out at and cut off from anyone and everyone who is even somewhat related to the cause of the pain you feel.

    I hope she can find it in herself to forgive. There's such a burden in holding grudges.

  • Probably forgive in this case. BUT...

    ...only because the following things don't apply: it was emphasized that openness and honesty are critical; that as a friend, the friend's responsibility includes telling her about stuff like her husband cheating - especially if asked (that would be outright); both people are "not crazy."

    A friend who would lie to your face after the above is made clear not a true friend. A true friend (with some common sense) would need some really super-spectacular reason to hide the affair.

    You might forgive (partial) just because you are an awesome person and want the other person to feel better (or yourself) before they passed away. That's fine. But short of clear evidence that they regret the mistake, realize the error of their ways, and would ask differently, they don't come close to deserving it. Even after all that, it would take a LOT to be meaningful friends (i.e. complete forgiveness) again.

    On a side issue: Regardless of how badly the friend would feel, the friend would not have been the one who broke/shattered the marriage. That would probably be more the fault of, I don't know.... the husband? If a wife took a picture, and then it happened to include husband cheating, then wife saw the picture, does taking the picture/looking at the picture somehow make wife responsible for shattering the marriage?

  • We're probably going to get a range of responses on this cause the last time I checked, folks here have mixed views on whether cheating is even wrong and the importance of honesty and social responsibility.

  • m is just being a jackass

  • I would forgive her.  It's really not that big of a deal.

  • Interesting perspective considered a post you had a while ago.

    I'd forgive if it made her feel better before she died, but I'd still be done with her and moved on.

  • cutting out your bestfriend won't ever lessen the pain of being cheated on.  i agree with your advice.  your co-worker can't fault her friend for not telling.  i'm sure her friend felt like it might not have been her place to intervene.  who knows?  maybe she's good friends with the husband too and felt torn.  i just don't understand how someone can completely cut people out of their lives. 

  • Maybe it would help people to understand why forgiveness might be a non-trivial thing if they saw the friend not telling M about the affair as a pretty big betrayal of trust? Which is it.

  • get more info. what you said seems to be best for your situation w/ the limitted information that you have (or that you are willing to tell us) but sometimes too much info is bad also. if someone is dying, it does change the situation. but "m" must have time to cope with her feelings, too.

    truth isnt always the best policy, but mistakes will happen.

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