i've called in sick the past few days..

nothing feels right anymore..

it's just getting harder and harder to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings..

everything feels tired and used, worn and torn. absorbed and disposed. everything.. my surroundings -- a pseudo. exquisite depictions spruced up to deceive me. here i am.. stuck. as though something's physically and mentally restraining me.. i am unable to move.. forward. chained to this constant pattern, this life. my life. silenced screams, muted cries. i am drowning in my own self-pity as i find no way to escape this torturous existence of mine. an enervated mind, a paralyzed soul. a collapsing heart. an obliterated identity. this is who i've become.. or.. this has been me.. from day one of my nonexistent existence..

it'll be a bittersweet weekend.

i can't handle working here anymore.. i'm so fucking fed up with the perverseness and carelessness of our world. i'm frustrated beyond belief right now. you know, it came to a point where i became calloused.. where nothing shocked me anymore..

these perpetrators are supposed to be their guardians, their protectors.. instead they are the ones inflicting an unimaginable amount of mental/emotional anguish and physical harm upon these innocent, innocent children. i can't grasp it. i really can't. and what's equally disheartening is witnessing these monkeys (me.. us).. constantly failing to do their jobs. it's like 90% of these assholes don't even care......... but then again. who does anymore?..

this morning, i arrived to a desk where scattered multicolored folders rested.. screaming to be organized.. (i left a mess last night as i was in a rush to get out).. i then came across a new report stuffed inside a bright red folder. he was all but seven.. eight years old. polaroids of his frail, half naked body were taped to the inside cover. this wasn't the first time i've been exposed to shit like this. like i said, i'd become numb to it all.. or so i'd like to think. i suppose today was different because for the first time.. in a really long time.. i actually allowed my brain and emotions to process what exactly had happened.. i almost vomited. tears welled up as i clenched my fists..

i've officially lost all faith in human kind.. additionally, i've come to the conclusion that i am not fit to work in this industry anymore. my mind is too weak for this bullshit.

somewhere underneath all this garbage.. i suppose my soul does still exist..

it really isn't that hard to be a "somebody" on here.. or the e-world in general. you just gotta be willing to invest the time.

it's funny how much control/power a chick possesses on xanga/internet. snap a shot of your bare back/legs/shoulder/a flattering angle of your neck (or obtain some random "sexy" photo off of google.com).. post it as your profile pic.. and bam. guys flock to your page like no other.. they shower you with emoticons and texts in hopes that you two will one day meet, and he can bone you...... only for him to discover that you're some heifer/tranny he's been chasing on the internet. true story, guys.  

this is all rather comparable to those who rise to fame in poker.. a nobody can be a somebody in an instant. hey, maybe that's why i spend so much time at the tables/online. haha.

cakalusa is the epitome of this. (am i bashing him, too? gasps. i'm just saying is all..) such impressionable kiddies.. don't think for a minute that they're anything special. imagine what he is in real life. a complete loser.. yet.. he spends a ridiculous amount of time producing his posts.. catering to all the fourteen year old self mutilating emos on here.. tailoring his entries for maximum commentage (making them horribly generic and contrived).. and ta-da.. he is flooded with the attention he so desperately sought. i mean, no one else in real life will give it to him. the kid obviously has a lot of insecurities. i remember reading shit where he'd link someone's site and tell his readers to go bash them (i was once subbed.. then i realized that he's a complete douchebag). c'mon dude. now THAT'S what i have a problem with.

i found it rather comical when someone pointed this out to me.. cakalusa (or it could have been one of his friends. nah.. it was obviously cakal himself) submitted his name on urbandictionary.com.. defining himself as "an a-list celebrity on xanga".. "he is hot".. what.. the.. fuck.. haha. my point is.. anyone can do this. by the way, if you claim he's hot, you're either.. a). blind.. b). mo fugly yourself.. c). merely stating that for ass kissing purposes (you need his eprops!)

he continues to "whore" himself.. which got him the vast readership that he has now. i mean, his content is definitely not funny or amusing. hey, i ain't hating on that. shit, i used to do myself. i mean, c'mon.. most of you migrated here from my former page.. where almost every post was featured due to the massive amounts of comments/eprops i received. that merely derived from "whoring" myself. what exactly does this entail? hit up every possible page through blogrings/comments left, etc.. skim through that random xangan's most recent post.. leave a half-assed comment.. this will in turn.. give your site exposure. that person will then come by, read some decent shit you copped up.. they'll leave you a comment and subscribe. do this a couple hundred times each day and .. wa-la. you have achieved the golden "xanga celebrity" status. you are now a big shot. congrats. (you can thank me later for this)..

and alas, here you go..

although.. that should be dana white instead of tito. holler.

let us all hold hands and sing koombaya.

go read this.. seriously. haha. keepin it real. 

i just got an effing speeding ticket.. 68 in 55?? wtf. i thought the freeway was 60..

help......

i got my first speeding ticket last year.. i just paid it and left it at that.. my coworker told me that i can defer this ticket since i didn't contest the first one?? or hire a lawyer..? would it be worth it? could the lawyer even do anything for me? i really don't want this on my record.. but how else am i supposed to get out of this? any ideas/suggestions? thank you in advance..

jacked this from maximman..

i'm warning you ahead of time.. this can get ugly..

this is me..
 

this is me drunk..

this is the caucasian me..

this is the afro queen me..

this is the apeman me.. mmm..

..and this is the baby me..

gross.

go read this.. profound..... he's an amazing writer to begin with.. but this entry just does it..

 here are some of my sucky photos..

this is when he put on his "highschool jacket".. please.. i bet he didn't even graduate.

overall, the show was mediocre. nothing special. it's a damn good thing that i didn't pay for the tickets. i tell you, man.. those security guards act like they're some tough shit.. with their harmless flashlights dangling from their belts.. and their "security" t-shirts clinging to their flub.. get a real job, jerkface.

..i haven't had chocolate since last year.. even though that was just two months ago.. i'm still proud of myself.

..i made a smoothie this morning which consisted of various berries, a banana, yogurt.. and then i threw in half an apple (for the nutrients).. i downed it on my way to work. a few minutes ago, my face started to itch.. then this tingly feeling on my lips started to spread to my throat.. i forgot.. i'm allergic to apples (as of recently). hah.

..dude.. what the fuck.. "Tavares told investigators he shot the couple because Brian Mauck called him “a punk” during a dispute over a $50 debt, records state."

..anyone else use turbotax? apparently you have to fork up like $14.95 if you want to file it electronically.. how come i wasn't charged? were you??

..i woke up at 3:28am and masturbated until 4:05am.. happy valentine's day, me.

we went to see wyclef perform last night. you know how sometimes you can just sense that someone's a complete jackass? yeah. that's him. i've been to this venue numerous times for various artists.. and never have we (the audience) been placed in such a controlled environment. cameras were restricted (the artist himself was enforcing this), certain areas had to remain vacant, you weren't allowed to lean on the perimeter of the main area, the guards were ruder than usual.. etcetera.. maybe because he's so mainstream.. who knows. either way, i dislike him.. i should have thrown that rock at his dome, damn it. (and no, this is not because he denied my myspace friend request twice.. hah!).. friggin prick..

i tucked my camera in my panties and successfully snuck it in. the few pictures/recordings that i did capture weren't all that great (i'll post them as soon as i upload).. i had to be uber cautious..

more on this tomorrow..

i'm falling asleep at my desk here.. someone tell me something.. or we can play twenty one questions.. you ask me something, i answer, i'll ask you something, and you can answer or ignore it. comprende? go ahead.

by the way.. gold bond works wonders. oooh weeee..

i couldn't even hit one friggin number on mega millions.. it's at $150 million now. gah.. if only..

can you guys give me your honest opinion.. what do you think of this watch? water resistant.. stainless steel bracelet.. yaddi ya. is this even a good brand for a watch? i'm completely oblivious when it comes to jewelry. thank you in advance.

oh man..

i was browsing an online dating site (hey now.. pure curiosity ).. a list of matches who fit my input criteria (24-35, 25 mile radius) popped up.. so i'm eyeballing these tiny pic icons.. all of a sudden, i come across a familiar face.. "no, that can't be".. the age made sense.. but the location was precise..

i clicked on his page and wa-la. one photo was especially recognizable.. why? because i see that same exact one in a frame, on my coworker's desk every time i drop by her cubicle.. except the one on his page was cropped.. cutting her, his wife.. out.

*shakes head*

i wish i hadn't seen that. his status listed? "divorced".. as far as i know, they're married. how do i know this is him? i saw him at the work Christmas party just two months ago.. before that, she'd bring him to various functions.. not to mention, i walked over to her cubicle to confirm that those were the same pictures.. the one on his profile, and the one on her desk......

gah.

hey, maybe they are going through a divorce.. i should just keep my nose out of this one.. i rarely even talk to her anyway..

right....?  i'm infuriated and i'd want to know if i were her.. but i'd rather not get involved.. really..