dear mom,

i am so so sorry.

so goes for a "happy" mother's day.

today has been one of the worst days of my life.

i've hit yet another low.

andy was brought to the dreary city of seattle by his father. he had an option to stay back.. with his mom and sister.. and the vast amount of friends that he's gained over the years. but he didn't. deserting his dream to attend college.. leaving behind everything.. he chose to abandon it all for his father.. and come to an unknown city, where he knew no one.. no one but his alcoholic/selfish father.. a place where he had to wonder where they'd sleep next..

he is an inspiration. i say this with as much heart poured into it as possible. andy is seventeen.. living from hotel to hotel, house to house.. and some nights.. sleeping in their car. i'm choking up as i attempt to describe just how amazing this kid is..

andy radiates nothing but positivity.. generosity, kindness.. love. we've been attending church together for the past few Sundays.. his father is opposed to him going as he's an atheist but he holds on so tightly to his faith.. a faith that was most recently discovered by him. i invited him out saturday night, a few weekends ago.. he was ecstatic and grateful.. but reluctantly declined.. i pried.. eventually discovering that he had to be his father's designated driver for the evening. basically, andy waits around as his dad drinks himself to an oblivion at some bar.. then drives him home.

his father reminds me so much of mine. a sorrowful man.. drowning in the mistakes he's made.. silently crying out for help.. but yet his only way of coping -- the only way he knows how.. is by intoxicating himself. i can empathize with andy all too well.. however, he's a lot more loyal than i am. there is nothing his father could do to make him turn away. nothing. his dad is robbing him of a life.. but andy doesn't see it that way.

last Sunday.. andy, my sister, and i hung out. he wanted us to stop by the restaurant that him and his father worked at so he could prepare us a dish to show his appreciation for taking him around. sushi tempura.. it was scrumptious. his father (the sushi chef) then brought us over a delicious salad and some funky sushi stuff. hah. andy came over to me and handed me a twenty..

"can you put this in my father's tip jar, please?"

i looked at him and refused.. telling him that i got it. he wouldn't take no for an answer and told me to take it before his dad saw what was going on. my sister was in disbelief.. as was i..

i could go on and on.. but he's made me realize that we don't "accidently" meet people in life.. there are no coincidences. they're placed in your life for a reason.. whether or not you see/understand that reason is on you. look a little harder.. dig a little deeper.. listen with a little more heart.. you'd be amazed.

i swiftly skim through prior entries.. subconsciously on the prowl to dig up the last date that we talked.

it's almost been a year since i last heard from him..

i'm scared. i'm terrified. a heavy feeling of uneasiness.. hopelessness.. and guilt hovers over me.

last night wasn't very pleasant as thoughts/concerns/memories of him gradually began plaguing my brain. i don't think that was a mere coincidence, you know? us humans have instincts.. my insides feel as though they're being flushed with acid.. it hurts..

sometimes i wish i simply forgot.. sometimes i wish had the ability to chuck his remembrance. i sat there, last night.. as i am right now.. debating on whether or not i should attempt to dial the only number i have for him.

..but sometimes ignorance is bliss..

i'm afraid to discover that my father is dead.. that he died with a broken heart.. a lifeless soul. what if he is still alive.. i'm apprehensive to know.. hearing from his own mouth that he's doing horrible would drive me to an unknown place.. i would give my life to salvage his.. but i can't even build enough courage to call him.

the remainder of this evening will be torturous.. as i already know the outcome.

i'd rather not know..

i'm sorry, dad.

do you guys miss me?

it feels so weird.. not logging onto xanga everyday and browsing it constantly.. throughout the day. i haven't kept up with my subs.. oy. i have a lot of catching up to do..

work is awesome. i actually had a nightmare last night that i was back at my old job again. oh man. i'm still in "training" mode right now.. i have another week and a half left.. i'm loving it. one of the perks is that there's a gym + locker/shower room in my building provided by the company for any employee to utilize. i'm usually in there during my lunches. love it.

i've been consistently keeping up with my kickboxing classes.. the instructor is hardcore, man. i was contemplating on whether or not i should hire a personal trainer again.. not so much for the training/advice and what not.. moreso for the accountability.. you know? if i'm forking up that much money, i'll be damn sure that i get results. word.

i have some serious attachment issues.. i know the primary contributor to this..

i finally got a facebook. well, i've always had one.. but i actually used it for the first time last night. that is seriously some complicated ish.. i cannot figure out how to navigate that site.. anyone want to volunteer to give me a facebook101 course? spanks.

i waited.. but you didn't come..

why do you women lug around your louis vuitton bags at the gym? goodness.. are you really that insecure about yourself that you constantly need a $1,000 bag by your side? then you see them eyeballing the ground, making sure no one jacked it.. do what i.. and every other normal person does -- leave it in your trunk. i don't get it sometimes......

i have an asian male boss. good looking, too. at first, i was sorta excited, you know.. primarily because i've never had a non-ugly/fat boss. now i'm starting to sense that he's pretty.. anal.. it's a relief to wake up in the mornings without that feeling of dread and misery though. i was due..

if i could have dinner with one xangan, it would be _______________. [go ahead, fill in the blank ]

sooo.. xanga isn't blocked at work afterall. woot.

interesting reasoning, dennis. eerie.. but you were correct.. along with a few others. you know me quite well. heh.

1. my last serious boyfriend and i broke up because i found out that he was a hardcore drug dealer.. with the kind of money that he was raking in, there was no way i could believe that he'd stop. my sister, who set me up with him.. had no clue.

2. i've had sex with someone i've met off the internet before.

3. whenever i spend the night at my mother's.. i'll sneak into her room every so often. and check to make sure that she's still breathing.

4. i used to force myself to yak if i consumed anything past 7pm.

5. i truly believe that 99.9% of females out there are trifling.

6. i've had sex in a port-a-potty.

7. when i masturbate.. i usually envision a hot blonde chick [with a gorgeous rack].. and i getting it on.

8. i was born with uneven legs. fortunately for me, my parents got that immediately fixed.

9. i've lost enough in one night [gambling] to purchase a brand new car. [i'm not talking about a kia either]..

10. i've been arrested for indecent exposure.

so which is false?

yesterday morning, i was on the toilet taking a dump.. i look up and see this humongous spider on the wall.. *shudders* i don't normally kill bugs/insects.. but this thing was huge. so i grabbed a can of hairspray and a can of raid. i simultaneously sprayed that s.o.b.. it took longer than i expected for him to stop running.. needless to say, he didn't survive. the floor was flooded and it didn't smell too pleasant. anyway.. this morning.. as i was getting dressed, i discovered another spider by the light switch. eeeeeek. time to call an exterminator?

look what i received in the mail yesterday. bling blingin.

i'm a great ear model, aren't i? puhahah. friggin koreans and their knock off merchandise.

i stopped by the grocery store this morning to pick up breakfast.. one tub of firm tofu. i get to work, drooling and all as my workout was pretty intense. i bite off a chunk when all of a sudden i feel something stringy. iit appeared to be a piece of hair.. first off, that's kind of odd, isn't it? tofu is usually produced by mass machinery.. i'd assume. it did taste kind of funky..

dudeeeee.. fedor and tim sylvia are set to fight.. per sherdog.com.. seriously? lol. that ogre sucks. additionally.. rampage jackson and forrest griffin? okay.. these people aren't even at each others levels. there is no way jackson can lose to griffin.. only chance is if he was paid to do so. st pierre and serra next weekend.. gyeah.

asics and saucony seem to be the shoes you guys recommend the most for running.. the nike shox suck.. i think their purpose serves more to appeal to the eye rather than to provide comfort.. hmm.. any other suggestions?