everything feels tired and used.. worn and torn. absorbed and disposed. everything.. my surroundings -- a pseudo. exquisite depictions spruced up to deceive me. but a far, far reach from reality. nothing's sincere. everything's nothing. here i am.. stuck. as though something's physically and mentally restraining me.. i am unable to move.. forward. chained to this constant pattern, this life. my life. silenced screams, muted cries. i am drowning in my own self-pity as i find no way to escape this torturous existence of mine. an enervated mind, a paralyzed soul. a collapsing heart. an obliterated identity. this is who i've become.. or.. this has been me.. from day one of my nonexistent existence..

some of you may remember me writing about "my boss, the skank".. if not.. scroll back a few pages.. (i don't feel like digging it up right now).. anyway, on friday.. i come into work with two gift bags. one for the department head.. and one for the head honcho (i rarely speak/deal with him).. i got in a little early so i could drop these presents off to their office without people noticing.. especially her. i decided not to give my supervisor a gift this year. why? because she's dirty and likes to bring her personal problems into work. honestly, in the line of work that i do.. you really should leave your issues at the door. there's no room here for it. my boss is also extremely moody and takes shit out on the rest of us. we all disregard since she publicizes the stupid crap going on at home.. so they all just a) pity her.. b) deal with since she is next in the chain of command. right. anyway.. so haha.. of course, she sees me walking in on friday and you could tell she was expecting me to hand her one of the bags.. nope. anyway.. yesterday and today.. she's been madddd shady.. haha. on top of that.. a few minutes ago, she was standing a few feet away from me and the dept head comes up to me and boasts.. "my angie, those chocolates were delicious. thank you again"..

maybe i should have gotten her something small at least.. but that's not the point, you know? it ain't cool how she acts.. especially since she's a "leader" here.. *shudders*

no love for the hoes.

i got a lot riding on the fight this saturday.. wandy, make me proud. farewell, chuck.

i'm digging this song.

liddell is going to face his third consecutive loss this saturday. oh man, oh man. silva is going to send him into an early retirement.

hughes and gsp.. that's a toughy.. i admire both of them.. but man, i was looking forward to serra getting a beat down..

both fights.. can go either way. silva isn't used to fighting in a cage but he's so badass that.. he's gonna get in that first punch.. take it to the ground and bye bye liddell. but like i said.. either way.. tito slaughtered silva.. liddell spanked tito.. silva whooped jackson.. twice.. jackson dominated liddell.. twice. anything can happen. oh weee this is going to be a dope fight.

this is what i have to look forward to. haha.

Merry Christmas.. hah.

Merry Christmas

pocket aces..... 20/40 limit.

dude bets.. she raises.. i reraise.. he caps it. she calls. i call. flop comes.. K K 7. he checks.. she instantly bets.. hmmm.. i call hoping for an ace on the turn.. i figure she has it.. she's not an aggressive player. he calls.. (wtf).. turn comes.. Q.. he checks.. she bets again.. i put her on AK at this point.. i don't know why.. but i call.. and he calls. (an even bigger wtf..) so i figure HE is slowing playing his K something. river comes.. 7. he bets now.. so duh.. he has a K.. no?? she calls.. one of them has the fullhouse.. i muck my hand.. yes....... i did........... 2 K's and 2 7's.. how can i call with two people in it???????????? i muck it face up.. yeah.. i wanted to show how painful that was.. she flips over her cards.. GUESS..

............. pocket 6's.................... wtf...................

him?

pocket 9's......................................... everyone at the table then diverted their attention to my face.. to see my pathetic reaction...............................................

wow. the Lord works in mysterious ways.. but nonetheless He is awesome.

trust me guys..

ask (believing in Him) and you shall receive. i can attest to this.

hot damn, it's a great day.  thank you, Jesus!

 [recycled post. edited.]

standing at a spiffy six feet -- a cynical, pessimistic, sassy, real, caring, drop-dead-gorgeous human being.. my sister. the psycho who has chased after me with a butcher's knife with the intention of chopping me up for talking back to her.. the bully who has numerously detained me in headlocks,  repeatedly punching me in my mouth trying to knock my teeth out as she knew they were loose from the braces.. the jerk who'd constantly tell me that i was worthless and picked up off the streets when i was a baby by our mother because "she felt sorry for me".. the guardian who went after anyone who hurt me.. the caregiver who spent her hard earned paychecks on my greedy ass to make sure i had all the fads that my peers did.. the teacher who taught me almost everything that i know about anything.. the one who played the role of mother and father.. the loving sister who made it a priority to make me a priority..

"you're an idiot.." she'd say to me whenever she saw that i was down. it was always my fault for whatever happened. i never understood how someone could be so mean.. especially to their own blood.. but i see it now.. she wasn't intentionally being a bitch.. this was her way of coping with things.. she's always refused to display any kind of affection or sympathy towards one. she could never show empathy or warmth.. but that's just her.

for some reason, as i'm punching these keys one by one, filling up this white box with words of my sister.. i am overwhelmed with emotion..

my sister. she's what you call a sour puss. she chooses to see the negative in things. "no point in being positive about shit.. you just make people want to shoot you. plus, the only thing you get out of being optimistic is disappointment.." i chuckle when she states something like this. before, i'd be enraged.. wondering why she had to be such a misanthropic prick. all of my friends were scared of her. they all perceived her as a mean person. my sister, physically, so beautiful.. it perplexed me as to why her interior couldn't reflect her exterior.

as i am currently facing an issue with some close people.. i turned to my sister for advice.. her response.. "i'm sorry, but people are not genuinely nice. they always have different motives. they're only out to get shit for themselves. you can't be so trusting because people are assholes.."

gotta love her.

my sister is one of the hardest workers you will ever meet. i remember nights where she'd lock herself in the bathroom to get work done. and yet.. she always managed to spend hours helping me with my projects, reports, etc.. she always had time to put me in my place, to set me straight..

if you were to ask her today what her goal in life is.. this is what she would say, verbatim..

"to take care of my mother.."

my sister, my hero.

she'll be departing soon.. to a place thousands of miles away.. but i know that she is only pursuing this to better herself which will in turn, enable her to provide for mom.

congratulations and happy bday, sis. and don't worry.. a quarter of a century old isn't too bad..

congrats to my sister.. she was just informed that she got accepted into johns hopkins!!

damn it.. i was looking forward to visiting you in ny, too..  i keeeed. CONGRATS! i knew you could do it.

i cracked open my ziploc tupperware containing one of my favorite foods.. kimchee bokumbap (kimchee fried rice).. it was even still steaming.. mmm. scrumptious..

a coworker comes strolling in.. invading my personal bubble..

sniff. "what's that??" she asked with a disgusted look on her face.

"fried rice" i said.. chuckling a bit.

"well, it stinks like burnt rubber".. she stood there for a few seconds..

i didn't really know what to say..