my boss invited a fellow coworker and i (the two youngest employees of our department) to the local bar's happy hour yesterday. an unusual invitation, but i agreed to go.. why the hell not. anyway.. the place was packed. infested with drunk middle aged men. superb. let me give you a quick briefing of my boss. she's in her mid forty's, married, and has two daughters. she's a real chill person and isn't all anal about shit when everyone else underneath her is. we don't really talk much, but when we do.. she's very interested in my personal life and tends to pry. s'all good.. i never did mind. all in all, i like the woman.

we're chilling at the table.. she orders us all a shot of cuervo. ugh, i ain't the biggest fan of tequila. i refrained from expressing this hatred, and took the shot like a good girl. "another round" she demands to the bartender. i lost count of her drinks. i stopped after a hurricane. the other chick didn't continue on from the shot of patron. the next thing i know, my boss starts mumbling something.. i lean in a little closer as i could barely hear her..

"i want to leave him.. but i can't" though it was a semi whisper, i was able to sense the dolor and anguish.

my coworker and i glanced at each other as we both wanted to offer her some sort of comfort.. the second i finally thought up of something to say, she began ranting on about her husband and how unhappy their marriage is.. she mentioned how she doesn't have the heart to leave him..

"i would ruin too many lives if i did (leave him).." my boss repeated over and over again..

i'll save the details, but basically.. she has made up her mind that she's not in love with her husband anymore. apparently, it's something she's known for a while but toughened it out and has attempted to bring it back.. which has failed, miserably. sitting there, listening to her.. i could see her deteriorated heart, her torn up soul.. what's she to do.. i didn't know what to tell her. part of me believes she has the right to be happy.. and that she shouldn't continue to suffer in such a desolated, broken marriage -- that no one deserves to feel so crummy.. but part of me screams, wanting to grab and shake some sense into her.. you have two children.. a family.. who cares about your unhappiness? why are you going to devastate all these people for your own selfishness? buck up, and try harder.

vivid images of my mother and father, our family.. replayed in my head..

i didn't say a word that night.. i just silently hope she does the right thing. whatever that may be..

taken from goopup's page..

ten things i hate to admit.. (but i will for the purpose of your entertainment.. )

1. i'm probably one of the most selfish people you'll ever meet.
2. i will rarely sleep over only because i fear my violent snoring and uncontrollable drooling will scare you away. not to mention, you'd be exposed to a bare bottomed me as i have this peculiar habit of stripping (just the lower part) in my sleep.
3. i'm digging that new song by sean paul and rhianna.
4. i possess very few friends.
5. i'll eat spam straight out of the can. the entire block, too.
6. i like porn. as a matter of fact, i was once an addict. it was a daily ritual for me.. up until i realized my computer was getting effed up due to this shameful habit of mine.
7. i communicate more with online people than i do with people in "real" life.
8. i have the hugest crush on jackie warner. she is the hottest lesbian i've come across. i would imagine if i were ever a les, i'd want a more feminine partner.. but her butchness is fine with me.
9. i have this extreme, gnawing hunger to get married asap.
10. i am exceedingly discontent with my life.

yes, i am quite the unusual one if i do say so myself.

happy thursday.

quick word of advice. always double check the recipients of your outgoing text messages.. =X

what's up with all these label whores polluting our society? i mean, good grief. can you really tell the difference between a $500 pair of jimmy choo's and a $40 pair of target branded ones? besides the cup itself.. a $5 starbucks latte or a generic company's $3 latte? a $40 bottle of philosophy shampoo or a $4 bottle of herbal essence? you're simply forking up the big bucks for the name. for what purpose? to show the world that you can afford these luxurious items? pft, i think not. i briefly watched a show (forgot which one).. where a chick came on and confessed that she had a shopping addiction. she can't even afford this habit as she's purchasing designer handbags for ridiculous amounts.. the same goes with clothes, shoes, etcetera.. she was cashing out student loans and all her paychecks to fund these things. oy.

i wrote this entry last year after a particular incident.. tsk tsk.. i just don't get it. someone explain it..

oh, the irony

i was just at target during my lunch break.. as i was impatiently waiting in line to pay for one damn birthday card, i noticed the lovely lady in front of me. she was completely decked out in gucci. she had the whole works -- the shoes, purse, sunglasses, wallet.. now, these are the items i could spot with my bare eyes. i'm guessing her undies were probably branded with gucci, too. yeah, she was the same lady who held up the gotdamn fucking line (when people behind her had places to be) scrummaging through that $500 wallet and $1,000 purse of hers for her stupid effing $.50 off coupons to use on her $2.99 toothpaste, $10.99 detergent, and $4.99 pan scrubber. oh, the irony.

so as i'm angrily speeding back to work with the tunes of mister marley blasting away on my speakers, i began to vividly recall an incident years ago. i worked at this medical clinic located in the heart of k-town. one summer day this (korean) lady walks in. i asked her what the nature of her visit was and she explained that she had been having bloody discharge from her vagina (she was way past her menopause years).. so i get her info and her plan/insurance company requires her to cough up a $15 copay. not too shabby at all. i then get a tude from her telling me that it was ridiculous we had to collect "this much" from her.. she murmurs under her breath and unwillingly pulls her louis vuitton wallet out of her louis vuitton bucket bag (oh, the irony) and basically throws the 15 bucks at me.. so a good 45 minutes or so elapses and out they come. i overhear the doc telling her that we would call her when the lab results came in and to not worry as the lady had a very concerned look on her face. alas, lunch arrives and the doc and i go to the local japanese restaurant to get our grub on. as we're waiting for our food to come out, she mentions the patient from earlier..

"she had been having sharp pains in her lower area for weeks.. then in the last few days, the blood had been continuously pouring o-u.."

"and she comes in now??!"

"she told me that she did not want to have to pay her copay for nothing.. so she held off to see if it'd go away" the doc disgustingly informed me.

"are you serious? hers was only $15!" (there were folks who had to pay double or even triple that amount)

"it's unfortunate because her vaginal walls are all deteriorated now.. this could have been prevented.. i'm still in shock that she waited this long. i know how those results are going to come back from the looks of the exam that i performed.. cervical cancer"

the lab results came back a few weeks later. i left her a message the previous day to come in.. it was not a minute after we settled in the clinic that next morning when her and her daughter came rushing in.. sucks, but i had to collect $15 again for this visit. and once more, she copped a tude with me about it.. (ive noticed how people think that if they start being rude and defiant that it'll prevent something -- like payment from being collected..) sorry, doesn't work that way. anyway.. 20 minutes later, her and her daughter come out in tears.. what a tragedy.

as they're leaving, i look outside only to see them driving off in a $150,000 car. oh, the irony.

yesterday afternoon.. on my way to a mother's day barbecue/get together.. i drove past a cemetery. i glanced over and saw the graveyard flooded with people as the bright bouquets of flowers stood out. i didn't realize what was going on until i had reached my destination. a rush of sadness swept over me.

i made sure to hug my mother extra hard that day.

life is cruel. life is too short.. hold on. hold on tight.

everything feels tired and used.. worn and torn. absorbed and disposed. everything.. my surroundings -- a pseudo. exquisite depictions spruced up to deceive me. but a far, far reach from reality. nothing's sincere. everything's nothing. here i am.. stuck. as though something's physically and mentally restraining me.. i am unable to move.. forward. chained to this constant pattern, this life. my life. silenced screams, muted cries. i am drowning in my own self-pity as i find no way to escape this torturous existence of mine. an enervated mind, a paralyzed soul. a collapsing heart. an obliterated identity. this is who i've become.. or.. this has been me.. from day one of my nonexistent existence..

that was.. seriously.. one of the hardest things i've had to do..

 

i'm happy for him though.. he's with better people.. he deserves it. this parting is.. bittersweet.

i just hate coming home to a goliathless house.. it's crazy how an animal can grow on to you so quickly.. and with such impact..

..i'll be over it in a few days..

..i hope..

goodbye, goliath.

my coworker really wants to buy goliath from me.. however, working with her.. i've seen her impatience, hot temper, and lack of morale.. and yeah.. there's no way in hell i'd allow him to live with her. now, she's upset at me because i told her this morning that i found a good home for him.

i took goliath shopping with me last night.. as soon as i stepped foot into nordstrom, a shitload of women (mainly the employees) flocked to us.

"omg, is he real?!"

"can i hold him??"

and they each called over another.. and soon, we were surrounded by dozens of squealing females.. oh, and one dude.. whom we could stick into that category also.

"he's for sale" i mumbled.

"WHAT?! OMG becky get over here.. he's for sale!"

within ten minutes, i had five offers. as much as i would have loved to have sold him for two, three hundred more than what i had anticipated.. they were all these ditzy teeny boppers. i'm positive they would have regretted it later on after seeing how much work he really was. it was all out of impulse for them. i gave them my number and told them to call me later on in the evening to discuss it further. and then, as i was walking off, feeling a little discouraged.. (because to be honest, i was more concerned about finding him a good home.. rather than the money).. an old lady and her son ran up to me. they were like little five year olds running to the sound of an ice cream truck. as they were petting him, a very handsome couple appeared out of nowhere. goliath was in love. they were in love. i could see the twinkle in their eyes as he was licking her chin.

"how old is he? what is he? where did you buy him from?"

they were spitting out questions left and right.

"actually, i'm trying to sell him"

"really?? why???"

i explained to the couple that he deserves a lot more attention and care than i could provide him. how i had to leave him home alone for eight, nine hours a day. they stepped to the side as i patiently stood there.

"well, it'd be perfect. he works at night and i work during the day. our daughters would love him! how much are you asking?"

"we just want what we paid for him, 500"

"we'll take him. is there any way you could hold him until tomorrow? the banks are closed now but we definitely want him"

the husband called me first thing this morning to make sure that i still had goliath and assured me that he would be in good hands. i'm meeting with them later tonight, after i take him in to the vet.

i feel good about this though it pains me to see him go (they really do become a part of you).. i'm sure goliath is thanking me inside.

goliath.

play dead.

can you spot him? (pic is kind of blurry -- it was taken with my phone)

dangerous. rawr.

he's adorable.. like a miniature bear.. heh. but what a pain. i find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check up on him, coming home during my lunches to make sure the fellas alright.. he ain't cheap, either. dog products are way overpriced.. oh, and i keep discovering worms wrapped around his dookies.. scrumptious.

this is quite an enlightening story..

there
once was a woman who woke up one morning, looked in the mirror, and
noticed she had only three hairs on her head. "well," she said, "i
think i'll braid my hair today".. so she did and she had a wonderful day..

the
next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and saw that she had only
two hairs on her head. "H-M-M," she said, "i think i'll part my hair
down the middle today".. so she did and she had a grand day..

the
next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that she had
only one hair on her head. "well," she said, "today i'm going to wear
my hair in a pony tail".. so she did and she had a fun, fun day.

the
next day she woke up, looked in the mirror and noticed that there
wasn't a single hair on her head. "YEAH!" she exclaimed, "i don't have
to fix my hair today!"

attitude is everything. 

hello.

i'd like to thank you all for taking the time to satiate my curiosity. i've read through each and every one of them and i was quite surprised at the accuracy and depth of most of your comments. i guess my enigmatic nature wasn't so enigmatic after all.

i'm sure many of us do wonder how fellow xangans, other readers.. make us out to be. especially since it is our journal that they are reading. i encourage you to impose the same question, too.. i jacked the idea from him (thanks!).. well, i'd like to reflect more on this.. but the san juan islands await my pale ass..

have a good weekend everyone.. three weekend for me, woot. remember, safe sex is the way to go.

dear readers,

some of you have recently started tuning in.. and many of you have followed me as i transitioned from my previous xanga page.. to this current one. it's nice being on here now because i feel more liberated as i have the ability to pick and choose who can view this page. (so feel special, damn it. ).. yaddi yaddi ya, blah blah blah.. okay, so i'm very curious to know how i portray myself on here.. your impression of me.. how you all perceive me based on my writings/my (almost daily) entries..

yeah.. feel free to tell me that you think i suck big fat hairy balls (just as long as it's the truth ).. don't spare my feelings.. s'ok, i have thick skin.. sorta.

thanks in advance for your input.