friday night, i was driving across the columbia river interstate bridge. i 've already been plagued with this paranoia that whatever bridge i'm crossing.. may collapse while i'm on it. so i've been avoiding bridges altogether.. whenever possible. it was about 11pm.. i was following him.. and a friend was following behind me. (all separate cars).. i'm in the far right lane, and a huge semi is to my left. my window is halfway down as it was rather warm that evening. all my focus was diverted to making it over that bridge as soon as i could.. all of a sudden.. "BAMMMMMM"..

i froze. it literally sounded like a bomb had blown up. i almost lost complete control of my wheel. my cell phone starts going off.. friend is freaking out, asking if i was okay. my heart was beating profusely. man. apparently, the semi's tire went out as it was right next to me. he had seen the powder or something splatter.

yeah, that was intense.. especially since i was already scared to begin with. my life flashed before my eyes.

anyway, the tournament this weekend was a failure. crap. i flopped top two pair, man. flush draw was out there. i was being the aggressor, betting out. of course.. right? he was just smooth calling. i had a feeling that he probably paired his aces and was on a flush draw.. even then, i had him beat since i hit my second pair, too.. on the river, i move all in as no flush was out there.. he calls. he flopped a set, i flopped two pair. gah. i suck.

by the way.. bourne ultimatum was one of the awesomest movies i've ever seen. i went into that theater a little skeptical.. especially since i haven't seen any of the other bourne movies. but dizam.. it was great. two thumbs up.

on my drive to work this morning, i reached into my purse to confirm that i had my cell phone with me. some days, i can be forgetful.

the lcd was flashing. 1 missed call. "show" i pressed. 0118211xxxxxxxx, dad. i felt a knot in my stomach. i don't know why, but the past few times that i've seen a missed call from him, a qualmish feeling hovers over me. a good part of me regrets ever giving him my number. since our initial conversation a few months ago.. he's left me several voicemails. i listened to every one of them.. but never chose to return them. i'd feel nauseous, hearing his feeble voice. his subtle pleas to call him back..

no voicemail this time. i felt guilty missing his call.. and for lacking the desire to call him back. as i came to a halt at the light, vibrations struck my inner thigh. "dad".. i wanted to disregard it, but couldn't.

"hello?"

"uh, n-g.. appa yah" (angie, it's dad).. an enervated greeting.. his voice sounded faint.

"hi, appa.." i hyped myself up at this point.. attempting to inject myself with invisible novocaine. he asked me how i was, why i hadn't called him back. i responded, emotionless. i informed him that i had been extremely busy. an utter lie.

"heem duhl gee, n-g? uh? ahmoohl ddae nah pelyo hal ddah, appa han tae juhn hwa hae joh. mahnee bo go ship ddah" (it's hard, angie.. isn't it? whenever you need something, call me. i miss you so much) ..an uncontrollable stream of tears flowed down my cheeks.

i told him that everything was okay. i'm good at hiding the emotional wrecks that i crash into -- when it comes to him. i've needed you for the past twenty two years of my life.. and now you're available? now you're being considerate of my needs? i know people fuck up. he is my father and he's trying so hard to make amends, i do forgive him.. but i can't forget what's happened. i wish those unwanted memories would vanish, but they continue to haunt me -- the mere thought of my father triggers it all.

i want to go back to a happier time. believe it or not, it did exist in my life at some point. i vividly recall one humid, summer night.. years ago. dad, mom.. and my sister were all gathered outside in the backyard.. barbecuing kalbi. i was overflowed with joy, ecstatic as could be. it was absolutely perfect. i ran into my bedroom and grabbed a few pieces of plain, white paper.. and a blue crayon. quickly, i drew up this "contract".. it read something along the lines of.. "i promise to always stay a family" .. i had a spot for each member to sign their signatures. they all did. inevitably, it was breached. 

the day that contract broke.. i did, too.

i tune into the local station every morning on my commute to work. i found this morning's debate rather interesting.

"mark" wrote into the show. he is a 35 year old, successful husband.. and father of two. the president of a well known, prestigious company. there is this 24 year old employee.. "hana".. at his place of work who has been on his jock for quite some time. anyway, hormones flare.. yaddi ya and mark finally gives in. him and hana end up grabbing a room at the local hotel. mark states that at this point.. "i cheated on my family".. (no shit, sherlock).. so, they're doing the dirty.. she's on top working it.. when all of a sudden mark demands her to get off, to stop. he's about to explode. instead of getting off of his rod.. hana starts to rock it faster and harder.. and wa-la.. mark ejaculates inside of hana. now, mark.. as stated.. "is a nervous wreck"..

he didn't get into any further details. the male deejay is on the air, furious.. claiming this was rape.. that hana raped mark and how there should be laws placed to protect other males from something like this. the co-host, a female.. is claiming that it was nothing close to a "rape".. that this was all mark's fault because he chose to engage in sexual acts with hana. the deejay is saying that this was all premeditated. hana wanted to get pregnant by mark because of his status and that was her intentions all along. the co-host is neutral on this accusation.. but she's saying that it doesn't matter.. mark should have worn a condom and this was all his fault, even if those were hana's intentions. he chose to have sex with her..

the part that got me was when the deejay took calls from listeners.. every female who called in firmly stated that this was 100%, without a doubt mark's fault.. that he brought it all upon himself.. and it was.. in no way.. a rape. all the male callers disagreed. they believed it to be a rape.

so where do i stand? i think hana is a conniving wench and mark is a horny, retarded prick. but let's reverse the roles. what if mark is pounding the yoohoo out of hana and she demands that he stop.. he doesn't respect her wishes.. and continues, this time at a faster speed and with way more force. isn't that rape? a double standard, i say. if a chick were to inform the police that she'd been raped.. that the guy didn't stop when she fully expressed to him that she wanted him to.. then that guy would be hauled off to the station, without a question. now, imagine if mark had gone to the police and stated that hana continued on.. when he had expressed his wishes for her to stop. call me ignorant, but this, to me.. is bullshit. a complete double standard.

for hana to rock it even harder after he tells her to get off just manifests her true intentions. yeah, mark was wrong to even sleep with her in the first place. he effed up big time. but she should have gotten off of him when he told her to. eight seconds -- the time from when he tells her.. to the actual ejaculation. that was plenty of time for her to remove her skank ass from his infested one eyed monster.

both were at fault. but honestly.. that really sucks if she ends up being pregnant.. and keeps the child for all these wrong reasons. and he can't do anything about it. but on the other hand, it was mark's decision to have sex with hana.. he had to have accepted the possibility of something like this happening. but it just bothers me that he clearly demanded her to get off.. and not only did she disregard it.. she pounded him even harder. trifling.

i can't wait for this. who wants to place their bets now?   ohh, and i signed up at full tilt poker last night.. so if any of you have an account there.. let's play. strictly for real money though.  message me if you're interested in either one of these.

so who's met a xangan in real life? i'm talking about a complete stranger whom you initially met through xanga. did you guys "hook up"..? were they what you expected?

is/are there a particular person you'd like to meet? (i have one.. or two in mind myself..)

i've now met three.

by the way, i'm going to a talib kweli show tomorrow. woot. i watched him perform the last time he was up here. it was awesome.

due to the crowded tables, i played some 10/20 limit. i'm dealt a q of clubs. one caller, i raise. another dude calls.. everyone folds, including the caller before me. flop comes.. k 10 4. rainbow, with one club. i bet, dude calls. turn, 8. this makes two hearts on the board. i'm on nothing but a straight draw. i make the continuation bet.. hoping he has nothing. he calls. river comes.. 7. no flush possible. i still have nada. bet or fold? i had a feeling he was on a draw. this was only my second hand at this table so i had no clue as to how him.. or any of the others played. i had to bet it, hoping he had nothing.. or believed i had a strong hand. (this is what sucks about limit.. less control/force possible).. he calls my $20.. and flips over a 4 off suite. superb.. he called me all the way down to the river with bottom pair. i understand a play like that in a 2/4 or 3/6 limit game.. but 10/20? noice. no more a q for me.

the big tourney is this sunday. i shall let you all know how well i did.

for those of you who read my amtrak story in protected.. after being on hold for over thirty minutes.. i finally spoke to a customer relations agent. they're mailing us a $25 voucher. whoopty doo. i had to file a "formal complaint" for this.. they need someone to point their fingers at.. so they're blaming the booking agent who failed to obtain his number. hm. okay.. like i mentioned, even if they did have his phone number on file.. the damages would have still been done.

check out my awesome photography skills. we went and watched a movie at the seattle center friday night. they're hosting these nights.. where you camp out in the park and watch various movies. you can see the part of the movie screen on the right -- next to it, the space needle was glowing. i paid more attention to that, than the movie itself. these were taken with my phone. woot.

stupid me went to jiffy lube for an oil change. i was in a hurry so i had no choice.. plus i was like 1,500 miles over. yikes. it cost me a little less than $40.. like $39 plus some change.. and it took them not even twenty minutes to complete the job. absolutely ridiculous. acura charges me $30.. and they give me a full car wash and vacuums the inside. well.. jiffy lube did clean my windows.. pfft.i need to learn how to change the oil myself, damn it.

hello.

so they hired that new chick in my department without notice a few weeks ago. anyway, it feels like she's taking over my position. don't ask why.. all rationalization has been buried by my instincts. the thing is, i'm not sweating it. i have a sense of peace that if it does happen.. it'll all work itself out.

adversity is merely a stepping stone to greater things. word.

i've been doing a lot of reading lately. it's rather enlightening.

i'm still on the prowl for a good man.. (for ths sister, of course)..  ahem.

i signed up for two tournaments last night.. both are giving away a seat to the '08 wsop main event.. or you have the option of walking out with $10k. one was a $350 buy in with a $150 rebuy. the other, a $180 buy in.. 180 people maximum. my chances are better with the latter. i don't like competing in tourneys where people are allowed rebuys. if you're out, you're out. i'm on my way..

wish me luck.

i had been drowning in discontentment, suffocating in these self inflicted feelings of helplessness and despair. i was clueless as to how to eliminate these demons. everything that had happened up to this point in my life made absolutely no sense to me.. but, i was too afraid to prosecute or attack anything that spilled outside of my comfort zone. i refused to examine my surroundings.. i refused to examine myself. ignorance, to me.. was bliss. simply put, i was blind.. but that was by my choice. i chose to shield my eyes, the window to my soul. i concealed me from my own self. i didn't want to discover the person that i was in fear of defeat.. utter failure.. hopelessness.

i can't articulate the manifestation that i experienced last night. i feel a sense of relief.. a subconscious comfort rests somewhere in the depths of my soul. a potpourri of emotions arise as feelings of anxiety.. of fright.. are desperately attempting to conquer. i have a distance to go.. i'm both petrified and excited to begin this divine exploration..

ironically, it was yesterday afternoon that i sat at work.. appalled by the mishaps occurring in our world. the violence, the anger, the greed.. the perverseness amongst our people. i sat in contemplation. i questioned my upbringing. all those religious values that were instilled into me. how could our loving God allow such atrocities to happen.. how could OUR Father permit such evil to occur? it boggled my mind.. proceeding to turn me off -- to drift further away from my so called spirituality. and you know what? totally unexpectedly, later that night.. i had this epiphany after talking to a random person. completely random guy, an unplanned (by him and i) conversation. this war.. the whole nuclear shebang.. mass murders.. everything.. man has caused it all. it's all a snowball effect. from the industrial revolution to kim jong il's weapons of mass destruction. God has given man the gift of free will. it was joe.. dave.. jane.. sarah.. it was you and i who did this. it was our choice to allow that craving.. that desire for wealth.. for power.. to explode to the extent that it has. everything has indeed.. happened for a reason. view it from a micro level.. or climb the highest mountain and do it from a macro level.. it all falls into place.

trust me. i should be the last person to talk. i despised having religion shoved down my throat.. i've had my share of wrongdoings.. i've splurged on vices. profligacy, lust, enslavement.. i've engaged in countless sinful activities. nothing that i am proud of. i've hit the lowest of the lows.. and even then, i had the one person, the true constant.. right there.. in my face even after repeatedly turning my back on Him. but i still chose to ignore Him.. and that's something i've been doing my whole life. this void that i've felt for so long has finally revealed itself.. and now, it's time i reveal me.. to my self.. i want to embrace this undying, unconditional love that our God possesses for us. i want to explore the meaning.. the purpose of my life. i want to think good, feel good, do good.. be good. watch your thoughts, they become words. watch your words, they become actions. watch your actions, they become habits. watch your habits, they become character. watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

i really don't consider myself one to talk about any of this.. about faith or religion, but i had to share this beautiful experience -- the ability to finally see. i once was blind, but now i see.. was lost, but now i'm found.  i know there are many of you who have or are going through what i am.. or some of you may in the future. dig deep.. search within yourself first and trust me when i say this.. everything happens for a reason. God will always be there for you.. whether or not you to accept and embrace that is up to you.. which i sincerely hope you decide to do. i found this passage in Matthew 7:1..

1 “Do not judge so that you will not be judged. 2 “For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? 4 “Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ and behold, the log is in your own eye? 5 “You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.

7 “Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8 “For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened.

i won't lie. my search for faith is triggered by fear. my biggest fear of all is death. the mere thought of it has triggered anxiety attacks, sleepless nights, streaming tears.. why? because i had absolutely no clue as to what would happen to me if i had died right then and there. and THAT is rather scary. i want to discover this faith that i know exists. a child has not a worry in the world -- they have faith that their mother will feed and take care of them. not a doubt even crosses the child's mind. i believe once i grasp this.. yeah.. i can't really say any more..

my chains are gone..