May 6, 2008

• i swiftly skim through prior entries.. subconsciously on the prowl to dig up the last date that we talked.

  it's almost been a year since i last heard from him..

  i'm scared. i'm terrified. a heavy feeling of uneasiness.. hopelessness.. and guilt hovers over me.

  last night wasn't very pleasant as thoughts/concerns/memories of him gradually began plaguing my brain. i don't think that was a mere coincidence, you know? us humans have instincts.. my insides feel as though they're being flushed with acid.. it hurts..

  sometimes i wish i simply forgot.. sometimes i wish had the ability to chuck his remembrance. i sat there, last night.. as i am right now.. debating on whether or not i should attempt to dial the only number i have for him.

  ..but sometimes ignorance is bliss..

  i'm afraid to discover that my father is dead.. that he died with a broken heart.. a lifeless soul. what if he is still alive.. i'm apprehensive to know.. hearing from his own mouth that he's doing horrible would drive me to an unknown place.. i would give my life to salvage his.. but i can't even build enough courage to call him.

  the remainder of this evening will be torturous.. as i already know the outcome.

  i'd rather not know..

  i'm sorry, dad.

  • 1:33 am
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